SeeingRred
Have you ever experienced an embrace so strong and so full of love that it wrapped you in armor and sustained you? I did once.
I remember it was a radiant afternoon. The sun shined so brightly it bounced off the red carpet, casting a luminous glow in the back room. But, the heavy gloom in my heart, a coagulation so thick from weeks and months of mounting muted misery, was impenetrable. We sat on opposite sides of the swing chair, quiet in each other’s company, me curled up tight, every ounce of energy used to stifle and contain. Rocking, rocking, back and forth for hours, in a gentle motion. “Babe…? Dahling, you okay?” In that moment when my eyes lifted to meet hers, I let her in and she saw me. With a strong grip and one mighty pull, she reached for me and all roles were relinquished and returned. For the first time in a very long time, I was not the designated caregiver, advisor, and protector. Child/girl/woman — it did not matter. I was Hers. We sat there, locked. With her soft fingers stroking my tear-dampened hair and my head cradled closely to her bosom, I had never felt more safe. It was the best, most unforgettable hug I’ve ever had, the one that will remain with me, and forever leave me shuddering with want. I was 33.
Motherhood. The birth of my joy and my biggest failure.
Despite my personal overhaul, the constant negotiations, inner struggle and progress, I falter every-so-often in a BIG way. Each time, I feel like a failure. The good thing is that it humbles me. The bad thing is that it leaves me reeling in self-doubt. My failings are reminders that I should not get too comfortable or too proud, because the work is far from done.
Motherhood is the gauge of my accomplishment, faith and goodness. And, it scares me when it appears that I am failing miserably. Tonight, with my mind darting from one distress and disappointment to another, I asked myself and my Divinity, “What is going on? Why do these things keep happening? What is the reason? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in life?” And, the one thing that came to me, with shining clarity, was that I am here to break the cycle — the cycle of pain, anger, diffidence and despair that I have assumed. I will do it. For me. And for them.
Written May 13, 2018 / January 3, 2019
