SeeingRred
Am I wired for misery? Am I instinctively hell-bent on self-destruction?? I used to think I was. Life is better these days and things are looking up, I think, because I have found healthy ways to release and fill the voids with soulful activity. But, there are still those days…
I know what I have been through and how it has shaped me. Always “less than” and “not [good-smart-capable-skinny-fun] enough,” I dreamed of doing great things and clawed away at my demons daily to at least be my best. But, even at my best, in my mind I could not surpass mediocrity. For the longest time I believed that my inability to rise above was due to my circumstances, my experiences, and my inherent nature. I was convinced that these things, all of which felt noxious and irreversible, clouded my vision so I could not root out my passions and determine my true purpose. And, it left me sour and wanting and sad. This is me, though.
What about brilliant people like Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain? They were all icons of their time, backed by their great accomplishments, fulfilling their passions, living creative and productive lives. What were these kinds of figures, DO-ers, people I admired and aspired to be, lacking in their lives that they would just give up?
It makes me shudder to consider it, but what if I am NOT on the right track? What if all this time, I thought it was about DO-ing and finding purpose in one’s life, and I am wrong? What if all the changes I have made (especially in the past 4 years) and all of the energy I have put into “fixing” my Self and my life are in vain? What if I am putting all of my eggs in one dingy, makeshift straw basket that will unravel as I try relentlessly to fill it (with attempts, action and activity)? What if there is no answer and no cure for this thing we call Depression and, in the end, I end up the same?
I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. But, what I do know is that doing SOMETHING and trying DIFFERENT things is better than doing nothing. Getting out of the house, away from isolation makes me feel better. Challenging myself and taking risks, big and small, makes me feel capable and alive. Learning to be kind to myself and getting a small hint of my worth has opened my eyes.
But, there are still those days.
If it is not only about finding purpose, then there must be something else, right?? I have to think about this further, because the alternative is too bleak.
I certainly do not have all the answers, but I will keep nipping at any clues. I feel the missing piece has something to do with acceptance and self-love, and the ability to look in the mirror and feel admiration. That makes sense to me anyway. But, how does one learn to love oneself?? That is the question I must grapple with. That is the next step.
All this time I believed I was seeking happiness. I am not. I am seeking ME and mine own approval. The path ahead is convoluted and unclear. But, I know now that I am my purpose. And, the thought of it makes me cringe.
Written July 7, 2018
