SeeingRred
The Unburdening
It has been four years. A series of highs and smashing lows precede me. I have not been able to eradicate them or outrun them. I currently am rising out of a 3-week bout of depression. I am still angry.
The Soul-Searching
This is what I know:
I have lived with depression my whole life. As far as my memory will take me, I have felt this way. I have tried countless things, some of which have worked to improve my state of being. Others, in jeering disappointment caused me to spiral further still. Two times I took a huge risk demanding personal fulfillment and joy from the universe. Although it might be quite normal for others, I felt I was doing something very selfish (did it anyway) and the ramifications were costly.
I am learning to curtail the cycles. When I was in my mid-twenties, I remember a long period where I was barely existing. M and I cohabitated in our cute, newly-purchased country home on the hills, going through the daily motions of eat-work-veg-sleep. Both weathered and worn by our own dark clouds, we literally did not speak to each other for 6 months. I have whittled the periods of depression down from years to months to weeks. And, a few times within the past year, I sensed it coming and was able to stave it off at least for a little while. Undeniable progress.
No matter how long the depression lasts, whilst in it, I feel the same.
The patterns are consistent and clear:
PHASE ONE – Affected by one or more External Factors:
- Vast responsibility – e.g., Mom’s estate, house sale, complex family meetings, reconstruction of Trinidad house, basement declutter/design/renovation (the BEFORE pics explain it all 😊)
- Dissolution of relationships/withdrawal of support
- Inaction or Passivity – e.g., not speaking up; not fighting for my dreams; giving up a passion or giving up on love
PHASE TWO – Feeling Out of Control
…. shocked, overwhelmed, stagnant, stuck
PHASE THREE – Lack of Motivation & Lethargy
Not sure where to start or how to tackle the problem, I do nothing.
PHASE FOUR – Self-Deprecation & Undermining of Self
My brain takes over. Powered by fear, it processes my inability to act as a cry for help. It pounds out constant, debilitating negative stories to justify my presumed personal failure.
Note: This phase continues from here on in, building on and supporting previous negative stories, until the substantiated claim proves that it must all be true.
PHASE FIVE – Overcome by Embarrassment/Inadequacy/Shame
…. the continued inability to move/do/change/fix renders one useless and, once again, substantiates the negative stories:
- I am weak/pathetic.
- I am stupid.
- I am irresponsible/unreliable.
- I am ugly/fat/disgusting.
- I am bad.
- I am insignificant/unworthy/damned.
- I am nothing.
PHASE SIX – Fear of Failure & Judgement of Others
PHASE SEVEN – Withdrawal & Isolation
No external pressure inadvertently means no support & no connection.
PHASE EIGHT – Sadness & Loneliness
PHASE NINE – Anger & Rage
Life is unfair and working against me. So, I feel angry at the world and everyone in it. Once the pattern repeats itself enough times, the lessons are ingrained. Even when something magically happens and the situation is temporarily fixed or corrects itself, the underlying emotions do not dissipate. Over time, the anger builds to insurmountable heights and eventually turns to rage.
Note: It was the slow mutation from caring giver and benevolent mother to Mommy Monster, and finally the recognition of the effects of my ugly disfigurement, that opened my eyes fully and became the catalyst for change.
PHASE TEN – Hopelessness & Despair
PHASE ELEVEN – Reason to Believe
I sink lower and lower and then something clicks and something changes. Perhaps I get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Perhaps I am shocked into reality and become disgusted with myself for hiding away from life and being a ghost of a mother to my innocent children. Or maybe I understand the injustice of it all, and know that I want more for them than I could ever ask for myself. And, finally, only after I go through all of the phases of my depression, it hits me that I cannot wait for anyone to save me. I am faced with the fact that it is my strength alone that will allow me to rise. I accept that I am still here and that that must mean something. A pinch of faith is restored and I step one foot into the world of the living again with hope.
The Denouement
Despite the distress and doom I feel when I am trapped in my depression, I have made significant alterations to my life and taken great strides towards a better, happier future. Yet, I am still angry. So, although I have made many changes, I also know that there is more work to do in my pursuit of ME.
Next Steps:
- Uphold the promises I have made to myself (the goals & guidelines listed in my Life Journal)
- Practise selfness and self-compassion on a daily basis
- Complete the unfinished (e.g. Books/Research: Mind Over Mood, The Bluest Eye, Positive Parenting)
- Seek and accept help & support (realize there is only so far my strength and knowledge can take me)
- Make lasting connections with individuals who bring meaning to my life, and have mutual goals
- Continue to seek understanding and self-actualization through continued observation and self-analysis
- Find inner peace with meditation, acceptance, forgiveness and release
Written July 27, 2018
