SeeingRred
I don’t want to write today, but I NEED to write.
I’ve been trying to ease into this…. allow the emotions to reveal themselves…. allow myself to feel. But, I know by the way I am doing it in short spurts that I am trying to control it. Is it because I’m afraid that if freely unleashed it might be bigger and more ferocious than I expect?
It’s not like I haven’t done this before. I’ve been putting myself through a kind of self-therapy since I was in grade 8 or 9, maybe even before. Way back then, I would close the door, shut out the world and start tracing my thoughts and thought processes, questioning why I thought this, how I reacted to that, where my actions lead me, and what it all meant. Feeling alone and misunderstood (typically pubescent, some might argue), I consciously made the effort to sit in stillness, and FEEL. Instinctively, I knew this was what I needed to do. Because it wasn’t just that something didn’t feel right, it was the fact that it never did.
An aside: While I’m typing, K is snuggled up half on me, lovingly playing with my hair and singing some random songs off the radio. I’m glad I stop to acknowledge him, because the warm, bright smile he sends my way reassures me that he is content and knows he is loved. Not EVERYTHING in my life is screwed up…. sigh.
As a young girl, it was difficult to sift through and a lot to handle on my own. I could not fathom why my mind was over-burdened and my heart had always felt so heavy. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to or that anyone would understand the delirium I was feeling. Besides, even if I had had someone, I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling inside. I concluded that it was all up to me to figure myself out. So I sat very still and focussed inward. I ruminated and reasoned, speculated and scrutinized, trying to figure out why I felt so wrong.
At each sitting, I would allow my mind to take me to different places and sometimes force myself to think. My brain diggers scraped the fibrous tissue one layer at a time. Scared and alone, I would find myself in tears. I don’t know how I knew this process would help. But, the self-reflection sessions left me burdened with the darkest of thoughts and I started to write.
Written November 16, 2016
