SeeingRred
The Unburdening
Alone again. No words to cut the deafening silence. Nothing. Week upon week of seclusion. Emptiness. I am unacknowledged, invisible, non-existent.
Worlds apart. No common ground. Missed understanding. Discomfort, distrust and disillusionment. To continue is agony. But, this is what we know.
I live and breathe and think. Wishful thoughts. Tormenting expectations. Unmerciful anguish. Constantly morose because, against my will, something inside still hopes.
25 years gone. 50 more to go. How to pass the time? Old-world thinking… stretch, strain, settle.
Every Valentines Day, rose bouquets and chocolate boxes were the offerings, in place of the love and friendship my heart yearned for. I concealed my red/pink/purple tears, because I knew what was given was all there was to give. Still, I dreamed.
February 14, 2016, with all three babes tucked in their beds, I predicted another long night. Loneliness set in and, as I often did when that happened, I began to reflect on my existence and the seemingly unbreakable patterns in my life. I wanted desperately to bring about change, but every effort had proven to be ineffectual. I pressed on, not knowing how to give up. With my pride and self-respect renegotiated, scissors in my purposeful hand, I sat stoically making cut-out hearts for my beloved well into the early hours of the morning. I took a chance and etched my thoughts, leaving them permanent, tangible, exposed.
I did not get the reaction my active imagination dreamed up. Romantic notions cast aside, I felt relief when my hearts were finally noticed two days later. Afterward, every time my eyes fell on these heartfelt declarations, delight would wash over me thinking of how much love went into them, then painful embarrassment. I thought many times of removing them, but did not because, for me, they represented effort, intention and hope. The following year, nineteen months later, just as I made up my mind that it was time, sweet gratification came … with a request to keep the love messages forever on the wall.
The Soul-Searching
Sunday, February 11, 2018 – I woke up this morning at 6:45am, well-rested and rejuvenated after an unusual five hours of sleep. One babe, hand in my hair, snuggled into my back between us. Another spread out freely on the other side in languid calm. I slipped away to steal the last little Baggins from his bed. Back in a sleepy hug-puddle of five, quiet and still, I felt a new feeling washing over me, an unfamiliar feeling of security. He and I lay there looking at each other without moving.
This fateful moment on a magical morning, I heard his words with all the emotion behind it. When he said, “I love you…. You’re beautiful,” I stored it away with my other rare treasures. Swept up in a blissful reverie. This time, no fear of blinking. Smiles on our lips, from our hearts, in our eyes. Unshackled love, trust surrendered. No words to capture it. Just the realization that, after what seemed like an immeasurably long period of time, there has been a cosmic shift.
The Denouement
In that moment when space and time collapsed, parallel lines converged and opposing forces collided in a symphony of colour, I felt simultaneously exhilerated and peaceful, vulnerable and safe, liberated and loved. It was right then, without calculation or clamor, I experienced true HAPPINESS. Just like that. I was astounded. How did we ever manage to get to this point together? Was this even a possibility for us? Had I really finally discovered what it meant, for me, to be truly happy? All these years, we had tried/experimented/strived (for) so many things and …. it was simply this FEELING I was longing for, granted only by one giving fully of oneself and the other matching it with the same intensity. It was possible. It was real. It hit me that this change (the choice to exchange) was ours and always had been. And, once achieved, there was no going back.
Even with its ups and downs, differences and everyday stresses, having experienced it and seeing that it exists for us, there is underlying contentment and ease. We have set a new standard. This is our new normal.
Natasha Ramjohn
Dear Reesheen, I love your Feb 11th story. It filled me with joy that you experienced that moment of happiness. Please hold on to that moment. Happiness can be fleeting but those rare moments are there. xoxo…
SeeingRred
I will/do hang on to those lovely moments. In darkness, they are the light. Thank you sincerely for your support 🙂
Zanecia Ramjohn
Hey Rish I’m here immersed in your stories, perhaps hoping I can find some answers to or maybe just wanting to understand..I know this is old, but I’m smiling..cant seem to stop reading..Home alone in my office and lots of files but i’m lost in your stories..
SeeingRred
It was really nice getting together over the holidays and sharing all of our recollections of the past. So interesting what we each take from situations and how (differently) they shape us. It brings me great joy to know that the stories are useful and evoke emotional responses. Thanks for sharing ❤️