SeeingRred
The Unburdening
I have this insurmountable fear. It has always been with me. Deep down, I am afraid that if I get too close or say too much and let people really get to know me, they will find out the truth… that I am stupid, weak and pathetic. Maybe that’s why I have a hard time getting past the small talk and shooting the shit. I’m terrible at it really. After a few minutes of conversation, I start to feel anxiety pushing up from inside, choking, and I feel the words going fuzzy, getting ready to fail me. And, it’s just before this moment of failure, that I grasp quickly at the last strands of thought, make a lame attempt at some quirky remark and then I’m outta there! If you are reading this and thinking that I really am weak and pathetic or that you simply cannot relate, that’s okay. It just means that maybe, perhaps even just for today, you are not the one I am writing for.
Many a night when I used to pray (now I do it just with my kids and hope that that’s good enough), I would ask God/Allah/Buddha/Karma/the Universe (whoever or whatever out there that was even the slightest bit within earshot), “Pleeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeeease let me be a good communicator, a good talker, someone who is confident and articulate and interesting.” Sometimes, to my surprise, on occasion my prayers were answered. But, most often, they weren’t. And so, doubtful of my oral communication skills, I resolved myself to being, and proudly staked my claim as, a “good listener.”
As good of a listener as I proposed, it behooves me to say that I cannot fool myself any longer into thinking that I was the good friend I believed myself to be. Otherwise, I would be part of a group of “soul sistahs” or at least have one bosom buddy that, having grown up together, I could just pick up the phone to chat, with ease and comfort, knowing that there was a mutual and deep understanding, and that through it all, they had my back. I have yearned for this for soooo long. My goodness, even to me, this sounds pathetic! But, I am not seeking sympathy or anything else. I need to face the facts. <My heart, buried in the cavity of my chest, is literally aching and trembling right now having to accept this> … As painful as it is to say it aloud and admit it, no one has stuck around.
I have lost friends over religion (not being of the same religion and not being religious enough). I have lost friends for keeping my distance and others for being too close. My dearest of friends once said of me, “It isn’t easy being Rish’s best friend. She expects a lot out of a friendship. She expects you to dig deep and divulge ….” She proceeded to list evidence of my extremely high expectations, and despite the fact that I knew she truly loved me and was poking fun, as I chuckled, I feared her words carried an hint of disdain. I have been pigeon-holed into being the “deep and serious friend… not the carefree, fun one,” and in many instances in my lifetime have allowed myself to be used and mistreated.
My “best friends” of 20+ years have all gone AWOL. They have moved on, finding new “besties” and sacred clans. Truthfully, I miss them in my life and have spent copious amounts of time reflecting on the friendships and the hows/whens/whys of their downfalls, as well as the part I played in each. I am trying to build new friendships and, dare say, I believe I have some really great candidates. But, every interaction, however satisfying and fun, is fraught with anxiety and hesitation.
Clearly, I have not figured it out yet. Maybe therein lies the lesson. Until I do figure it out, I will have to learn to be my own best friend. I will give myself all the love and loyalty, all the kindness and respect, all the compassion and support that a good friend deserves.
And, I will share my ideas and let my own laughter lift me up. I will voice how I feel and run the risk of sounding dumb. I will give myself the space and time to be real and free. I will be that friend.
The Soul-Searching
It is in the very early stages that the terms of a relationship are negotiated. Whether verbally professed or unspoken, both parties solidify the nature and scope of the relations in a mutual contract. The problems arise when the terms are miscommunicated or misunderstood.
I truly thought that I was a great friend, always listening and caring, and willing to give and do anything to help. I was generous with my efforts, my time and my love. I always believed that friendship and love was about giving and of self-sacrifice. And, I went under the expectation that this was normal and right. But, I understand now that these were MY terms. And, it was unfair of me to project that onto others.
I realized this morning, just a few moments ago actually, why every one of my relationships have been either short-lived, unfulfilled or unfulfilling. There are a few reasons. First and foremost, I have not been forthright in my expectations. I thought by doing the things that I believed a good friend should do I was, by example, demonstrating what I needed. But, I see now that I was not clear. And, for that, I take full responsibility. I was broken and experience had taught me that I was “less than” and undeserving. It was easier championing and boosting others, and I did not know how to ask for anything for myself. I did not believe that I was worthy, and so I did not truly believe I deserved to be treated well. I know time and again I have given of myself until there was nothing left of me (or for me). This, in turn, caused resentment, disappointment and discordance. I can see that maybe, too, I did not understand or acknowledge the terms that were being extended and expected more than was being offered. Or, when I did tender my terms, they were not accepted and, instead of working to establish a mutually beneficial contract, I deferred to the other party’s terms, with hope that in the future they would care enough about me to see that my needs were not being met. Why would they make any changes, though? What was in it for them to renegotiate the terms? Nothing. Just work. Trinidadian proverb: “Why buy de cow when yuh already gettin’ de milk for free?”
The Denouement
In future, I know what I want and need in a relationship. These are my terms:
- Honesty; Sincerity; Truth
- Kindness and Caring
- Mutual Respect
- Enrichment (of both Selves)
- Reciprocation
- Acceptance (See me. Know me. And love me anyway.)
I ask for nothing more and nothing less.
Question: What are your terms?
**Note: “The Unburdening” section was taken from a journal written on March 2, 2017.
Lucy
This is a topic I could write pages about because it’s been such a never-ending journey. I’d have to say that I used to spend a lot of time convincing myself I didn’t need those deeper friendships, that a husband and kids was enough. If I had any terms for my past relationships, I’d never assert them or enforce them explicitly. I’d just let it ride out and see if it fizzles out.
It’s funny because I guess without the awareness of those boundaries, one can find people stepping over that line of respect or honesty without ever addressing it.
If I give it some thought, I’d agree with many of your terms (like honesty, respect, kindness, acceptance). I’d probably add that men would kind of be disqualified from my potential soul mates. They tend to think that we’re a lot of work, but really their shallower understanding of our thoughts and emotions is sometimes exhausting. At this age, I can’t picture myself investing that kind of time and effort into any man other than Peter. A woman friend automatically knows me 50% better than any man I’ll ever meet because our shared experience of this culture is already a bond.
SeeingRred
So have you come to the conclusion that having a husband and kids is enough or is having meaningful relationships outside of your family still important to you? I think I want/need both. But, I want friendships that feel natural (not forced or obligatory) and are not sources of stress. Ones where both people care about the friendship and aren’t afraid to show it. No judgement and no games. Pretty simple, really.
Looking back, some of the most fun times were with male friends. Not complicated at all…. just good conversation (some amusing debates), lots of music listening, jokes and silliness. Some of them were my friends’ boyfriends/partners, but most happened to be M’s mates, who then became close friends with me. It was the best in those instances when they found partners and we all formed close-knit bonds.
Lucy, were there some terms that you disagreed with or others you would add? BTW, I love your comments 🙂
Lucy
Hmm, I wouldn’t say that having a husband and kids is enough, although I’d consider Him a soul mate for sure.
Not that male friendships can’t be full of laughs and good conversation . But at this point, I’m trying to imagine really needing to call up a male friend for an opinion, and I just can’t picture it.
I don’t think I disagree with any of the terms, although I’m not quite sure how prominent enrichment would be to me. I’m imagining at some point in my life just being comfortable saying nothing, doing nothing, drinking tea and having useless conversations 🙂
SeeingRred
Enrichment is not about activity and effort. What I mean by enrichment is that by the very nature of the relationship (full of respect, care, sincerity), for both individuals spending time is emotionally nourishing, spiritually rejuvenating…. even in the simplest things or in nothingness, there is an understanding of full support and the desire for that friend to be their best and live their best, fullest lives 🙂 ❣️