SeeingRred
When Ugly Came Back
*Note: This morning, I was sitting on the toilet. I looked up at the mirror and saw my reflection. What I saw scared me and it stayed with me all day. This is my response.
A couple of days ago, I looked up and saw that Ugly was back. I gasped in horror. I didn’t expect to see this wretched creature ever again! Her scraggly, unkempt hair, weathered and droopy mug, hunched and haggard form, and those sneering upturned lips that always frightened me. I thought she had been locked up for good. But here she was in front of me, darkening my path once again. I met her mocking eyes in an attempt to prove that I was not the same fragile person she knew me to be. Her eyes stared back sizing me up and challenging me fiercely. I slunk back cautiously and retreated.
Ugly had caused so much destruction in my life. I did not recognize her catastrophic nature until it was too late. She had just surfaced one day, when I was still very young, at a time when I was trying to make sense of my world. So many questions I had, and she sidled up to me like an old friend. I liked not feeling alone and I desperately wanted to belong, so I accepted her quickly and pulled her in close. This girl had answers and an uncanny ability to make sense of things. She had a certain air, a lawlessness that made me feel safe around her. She didn’t care about consequences or rules, and caused me to question my self at every level. Over the years, her constant berating killed my spirit. Because of her, I was afraid to speak and eventually went mute. She spoke for me. She had put doubt and fear in my mind and had taken away my ability to trust. I hardened my heart and could no longer give myself fully. I lost the ability to wholly connect with people. Ugly showed me to deflect my pain and weakness onto other people and then hate them for it. She taught me how envy and spite could alleviate the feelings of self-doubt and turn them into strength. And, as I sat immobilized by her presence, I felt hatred rise like bile.
All the next day, I felt her. I saw her shadows closing in. I took different routes and kept looking over my shoulders, expecting her to turn the corner at any moment.
As in the past, my natural inclination is to wilt and cower in defeat. Somewhere, deep down, I want to do just that. But, something is different. Today, I decided I’m not going to continue this destructive interplay. I’m not going to let my fear be my unquestioning guide. I’m not going to stay silent anymore. I’m telling on you, Ugly.
