SeeingRred
The Unburdening
There are some who oppose the use of the term “MY depression.” But, to me, it makes sense. I have yet to reach out to enough people to learn if Depression works the same for everyone or if we experience it differently. I am curious. Do all individuals who live with Depression understand it the same way, have similar highs and lows, or follow the same patterns and phases of emotion? I aim to delve further. But, for now, calling it MY depression works for me.
The Soul-Searching
From the shaping of my first memories, I clung to MY depression and claimed it as mine. It gave me meaning and filled every void. It became my loyal confidante and my lifelong companion. I, in turn, nurtured, supported and carried MY depression. I opened myself to it fully. I folded myself in, deep, layer upon layer. And, gleefully it took over with fervour and blinded me with lavish devotion. It charmed me easily into its protective cocoon, so I could barely see past the silk-lined wrappings. Snug as an unsuspecting bug.
We all know when a relationship has gone awry. It often sneaks up on us, but we know. We look the other way, make excuses, and give it another try. But, something whispers and we KNOW. Still, we try to fix it and blame ourselves, hoping it will turn itself around. NO. The inkling does not go away. We put up with it and ignore it, for all the wrong and right reasons. We want to be loved. We want to belong, to be accepted, and to be taken care of. Deep down, we want to be feel secure, to be seen and to matter. MY depression provided me with all of these things. It was a necessary, but false existence.
I know the exact moment when MY depression turned on me. It was when it realized that I sensed a different reality and knew, even for me, there might be more: inner peace, passion and joy. Scorned, it squeezed tighter and cut me off. No air, no light, and no life. I stayed for a very long time, numbed and afraid until the day I realized that I still had breath.
In fear of detection, I cheated its hold with short, pained breaths. In agonizing stillness, I observed the cycles of dark and light as they passed over me time and again. At first, only these infrequent flickers of light sustained me. I waited. One day, I turned toward the warmth for a new comfort and, to my surprise, it rejuvenated me. So I reached and sought after it. It was not until I was almost out, that I realized that the dark had not withdrawn. My ruinous encasement, My depression, had atrophied and loosened its grip, simply because I had grown and it could no longer contain me.
The Denouement
Observation-Reflection-Aid-Stillness-Breath-Expression-Release… I tried everything to get out. The act of trying (and failing) and trying again, and not giving up, gave me strength and eventually belief in the possibility. All the while, I kept asking WHYs. This questioning lead me from “Why me?” to “Why is this happening?” to “Why am I here?”
MY depression was a major force in my life. It forced me to try. It forced me to work. My depression forced me to take notice of it until, out of necessity, I pulled it apart and could see that we were not one and the same. In truth, MY depression was the catalyst to finding my true self. It forced me to find my own breath and know that I could live independent of it. Without it, especially in the early years, I would not have survived. I would still be lost.
So, is there an upside to MY depression? “Yes.” A definite yes. But, only now can I see, now that I’m almost out. The fact is, when I was in it, there was nothing good. Body bound, my senses were glazed over and dulled. My thoughts and emotions beyond my scope of understanding. Every obstacle was a dramatic struggle between insignificant me and the entire universe. Life seemed futile.
Why persist then? What’s the point? That’s what I’m trying to explain.
I want you to know that, even though the lows still ebb slowly where at times it feels like they stand still, it feels amazing …. to FEEL, to really feel, the range of emotion that, before now, was out of reach …. to experience joy and elation …. to feel stable and secure …. to see the world without shaded lenses …. to absorb life lessons without judgement, comparison or self-criticism …. to be my best (not perfect) self …. to know my worth …. to believe that I have a hand in my future and a shortcut to happy possibilities …. to live passionately …. to be connected and feel ALIVE.
What I’m really trying to tell you is this. If you can dig yourself out, IT’S WORTH IT! I can only speak from my experience with MY depression but, if that is your goal, you have to keep trying, to not succumb to the lows, to keep living, to keep learning, until something triggers and you find your point of connection and you make your way out of the dark.
The biggest upside? Is that My depression, after every thing, has taught me self-love, compassion and eternal gratitude. And, following my instinct to survive it, by dissecting and turning it inside out, My depression has given me My Purpose.
SUGGESTED READ: Phases of My Depression
Written January 13, 2020
