SeeingRred
The Unburdening
How is it possible that I am the happiest I have EVER been – my marriage feels so right, my boys are delightful, and I am ecstatic about winning my “weight” battle — yet I am still so darned angry??! It’s not all the time like it used to be, but it’s there… hovering. Mommy Monster usually rears its ugly head whenever I am in a rush or when the kids are not cooperating or when I feel like things are getting unmanageable. What worries me most is that, even with everything I have managed to accomplish and that I am more in control of my life, there is this rage inside of me that is coated with a tinge of meanness and targeted at those I love most. I find it reprehensible. And, after every episode, I hate myself for it.
I know when this grotesque transformation is coming on. I can feel it. My chest tightens and my body trembles in retaliation. My eyes narrow into a piercing glare, brows invariably start to furrow, and the harshness behind my ensuing bark is monstrous. I try to curtail it first by breathing, then by scrambling to collect my thoughts and make sense of what is happening. In the end, I squeeze my eyes shut and pray.
The Soul-Searching
I have offered so many apologies to my #BatchofBoys that I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it. But, apologies and a promise to never stop trying to fix whatever is wrong with me, is all I have right now. Hope lies in the sole comfort that I have managed to diffuse the length and frequency of the monster’s rage. And, that I always keep my promises.
The Denouement
I look forward to the day, and am sensing its arrival, when I rise with confidence and claim a blessed future. My voice will ring out with self-love and exultation, “Mommy Monster, your days are numbered.”
SUGGESTED READ: more “Ways to Release”
Written October 27, 2014