SeeingRred
I’ve been ruminating over my inability to pick myself up and it is literally driving me crazy. I am going in circles, trying to recognize and comprehend my ingrained patterns in hope that I can overturn them and somehow SUCCEED. I cannot help but ask myself, “Is it possible to succeed, thrive and ultimately be happy, when somewhere buried in a very dark place is a firm belief that I am undeserving?” If this is the case, am I not bound to fail??
Week after week of hopeful half attempts, and I still cannot figure out what was so different that fateful May almost three years ago. I was about to make the necessary changes to break my life into (manageable) pieces and build it back up again. I was about to figure out a step-by-step goal-setting plan to transform weaknesses into strengths. I was about to bare myself down to nothingness and, there naked, confront each and every one of my fears. I was about to do all of these things … and I had no idea.
Two years later and after all of that personal growth and self-therapy, I find myself back at the same damn place! …. A full 360°with the same challenges, the same grievances, the same anxieties, and literally the same weight. I keep asking myself despairingly, “How could I possibly do this to myself? How did I find myself back here?”
This lead me to the notion of circles and lines, timelines specifically, and using it to structure my website.
I have restarted and redesigned my website/blog a number of times over the past few years, never sharing or publicizing it. At first, excited at the new venture, I tried teaching myself code. But, I got weary with disappointment when even the smallest application would take me a week to figure out. I learned waaay after that there were themes (templates) available that “anyone with minimal coding experience could navigate” and I was thrilled! After much searching, I chose one half-heartedly that was nice enough, resigning myself to at least get started. Excitement for it fizzled soon after. No matter what I did, it just didn’t look right nor feel right. All I knew was that it (the site) needed to BE and DO.
With all intents and purposes (and finally with some help😊), my site is developed to be “A Living Website.” It visually represents the patterns that are occurring in my life, of repeated thoughts and behaviours over time. It is my way of tapping into (forgotten) knowledge of the past, and making connections, so that I may study negative patterns and then dismantle them. I want to create my very own tracking system, a personal tutor, a lifeline. By doing this, my hope is that I will be able to finally uncover some of the mysteries of how my brain works, override my instinct to repeat my past and, ultimately, lead me to the next level of self-discovery. (Perhaps, along the way, this data may even be of use to someone else.) I am not certain if it’s the key, or if this will even work. But, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that going back will allow me to move forward (instead of going round and round).
Start: 1:57
End: 2:49 am
*** This was the fastest the sludge has ever come out of me! ***
Laurie
Wow, Reesheen! Great website!! I just read all of your posts – you are a fantastic writer! Downloaded the cookbook too – love Caribbean food 🙂
SeeingRred
Oh, thank you, Laurie! … for actually reading the entries and for your kind words. If you love Caribbean food, you’re gonna love these traditional recipes — They are so YUM!!! I’ll be adding more as we go… Look out for my Mom’s/Sister’s recipe for roti and my easy “healthified” version 🙂
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SeeingRred
Wow, thank you for your kind, encouraging words! I hope you do keep coming back. I really appreciate your comments and your support. Have a wonderful day too!
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SeeingRred
Hi Margarette! Sorry for my tardy reply. It’s been a full and crazy week, and I am glad to finally be back! Thank you for your positive comments. To find my contact info. you actually need to click on “ABOUT” in the menu and my email (info@seeingrred.com) is at the bottom of the page. Thanks for bringing this to my attention! I am really new at this and am learning/making adjustments as I go. I would love to get your feedback and any ideas that may help. I look forward to hearing from you! Have a great week!