SeeingRred
I started the day in awe. “Guys, look at me!” I sang out between batches of avocado on toast, swinging my arms zealously from side to side in delight. “It was hard to turn my body just a little last week and it hurt to even reach back to wipe my butt!” We all laughed. “I can’t believe it. M, you have to go check out my new physiotherapist. Last week I couldn’t do any of this.” I smiled at my recommendation. After all the damage and years of mistreatment of my mom and dad by the healthcare profession, I had lost faith. So, these were not my normal words. I stretched my arms waaay back, “You know it must be for real if I’m saying this. You know me. I have to experience it myself to believe it.”
I did experience it. I had felt relief almost immediately under the slight rotations and gentle kneading of the physiotherapist’s hands. But, of course, I did not trust what I was feeling. Since my appointment on Friday, I had carried out the shoulder (and knee) exercises he prescribed to the best of my ability: “3 sets of each, 2 times per day and apply a heating pad daily.” In reality, this translated to “3 sets of each …with breaks to rest my sore joints and out-of-shape ass and stops to complete menial tasks… ONCE a day… And sit down two days later finally with my mom’s ancient heating pad to find out that it doesn’t work. So, drop off the kids at school on Monday and race to Shoppers for a weak-shit version and sit with it lopped on my shoulder for hours as I fold away mountains of laundry …sigh:) Do my best, to minimize any guilt or embarrassment before the two follow-up appointments I pre-scheduled for this week. Through all of it, there was doubt. And there was hope.
I experienced it again. Not only the “crrack” sound deep in my right shoulder early this morning as I adjusted and straightened my neck on my pillow trying to fall asleep, but the smaller pop on the back of my left shoulder three hours later when it was time to get up. I felt the shift in my posture and the sudden release.
Sitting in my car at 9:35am, the second meditation for the day. The first one had calmed me enough to lull me to sleep, but it had taken a while. This time **lightning flashes** the doubt dissipated quickly along with the shadowy faces in my mind’s eye as I moved the light through me. It is always easier to capture the light in daylight. I thought of all the times I had opened my lids just a sliver to let the light in and how it would fill me. And then my thoughts were drawn to my earlier meditation, lights switched off, blinds closed, darkness before sunrise. How did I find the light THEN? It was tricky and took some time, I admit, but I had found it. The SOURCE comes from WITHIN. **Pinterest Poster!** <I saw it in writing, bold, as if on a page.> As the light flowed, filling in the spaces of my body and pressing beyond like effervescent bubble wrap, my eyelid covers were peeling back layer by layer and my mind started to unravel. The Light is not outside of you… You do not have to capture it — What?? The words flashed quickly in between body sensory nudges. The SOURCE (of Light) comes from Within …It is IN you. Acknowledging the sensations everywhere, simultaneously trying to keep up with the thoughts… You are the Source. The Source is You. Focus. Focus. The Light is the Source… You are the Light. You are the Source… ONE and the same… Light is Energy. You are Energy. We are all Energy… Light is Power. You are the Power. You have the Power… You do not have to search any longer. You have IT in you.
It knew it was a pivotal moment. I could feel the enormity of it. There was clarity, lightness and a feeling of euphoria. What is happening? Is this real? I paused. If I think it, it is possible. If it is possible, then it IS. Let it sink in. And I continued on with my meditation, the thoughts and words coming naturally and with ease. I accepted it all. ABSOLUTE.